So this last week was actually pretty eventful. It was filled with revelations, changes, finals and snow. LOTS of snow! So lets start at the beginning.
REVELATIONS. I have a very dear friend that I don’t see very often. We live in different states and rarely talk. Usually we see/talk when one of us is going through a crisis. That may not seem like a good friendship but it is. She knows me. She knows all my dark sides because I never sugar coat anything with her. I don’t know why that is but I don’t and neither does she. We know all the good and the bad. We have very little in common besides our love of the Lord and crazy love of worship.
During a very real conversation with her this last week she brought some things to my attention. She just flat out told me what she thinks and didn’t hold back, it hurt. I put people in boxes, I close myself off to new experiences and friendships, I hold back my true self in relationships because I don’t want to get hurt, I haven’t made my relationship with God a priority, I have lost my love of worship, I left my calling and I’m judgmental. Like I said it hurt….a lot.
The beautiful thing about our relationship is that I don’t love her any less. She is still my dear friend. What she said hurt and hurt the most because it is true. After our conversation I cried. She tried to call and I let it go to voicemail. My feelings/pride was hurt. When I finally listened to her messages later that day the last one said, “If you don’t call me back by tomorrow morning I’m buying a plane ticket and coming to see you. You cant cut me out because of this.” Part of me was tempted not to call her back because I wanted to see her 🙂 but I did. We are now better than before.
She is right. I have let my relationship with God slip to the background. I stopped spending time with him everyday. I prayed but all I did was talk, I stopped listening. I quit enjoying worship the way I use to. Worship has almost always been the place where I felt God’s presence. Where he became more than a man in a book. I could close my eyes and sing songs that were more than just songs, they were my prayers.
I do put people in boxes. Boxes labeled: friend, enemy, disappointment, too different. Once I quickly put someone in a box, without ever truly knowing them, I never even consider moving them. I close myself off to possible friendships because they are too different from me or don’t see things the way I see them. And as soon as a close friend starts being different from what I thought they were or should be I pull away.
I am judgmental. This one is funny because so often I feel judged by others. The ironic thing is that most of the time I am the one judging them. I look down on their choices. No one’s choices are right or wrong. They are right for them or wrong for them. What makes sense for my family does not make sense for others. How I handle my marriage and children is not how others handle theirs. This doesn’t make my way right and their way wrong it just makes them different.
This was a lot of revelation for one week. I had my eyes opened to how ugly I can be. I have so much that I want to change and do differently. But for now I am just focusing more time on God. I am trying to spend more time in his word and worshiping him. I figure the other changes will come once I change this big one. He’ll show which things to change and how to do it. In fact he already has. Which leads us to……
CHANGES. I deleted my Facebook account. Just like that, no posts about doing it, I just did it. I cant tell you how many times I would get on there and become offended by some one’s post. I also cant tell you how many times people interpreted my own posts to be about them and became offended. Facebook has value. I was able to keep updated on friends and family that I don’t get to see very often. But I also felt I had deep friendship with people who I really don’t. Not to mention the amount of time I spent on there. Now, I could have just deleted people, maybe just take it down to only family. But I just felt like the right thing to do, for now, was just to walk away and not look back. So I did. As a result I’m not sure anyone will even read this post 🙂 most people came here from my Facebook link. But for now this blog is serving as a journal of sorts. For those who do read it, maybe it will let them see what’s going on with me or give them hope if they struggle with similar issues.
I am finally doing personal devotions again. I am spending time in God’s word. Plus Mike and I are going to be reading together and with the kids. I also think I am going to be doing worship with them too. I know it sounds corny and is the kind of thing that would normally make me want to gag but it is how I best relate with the Lord. I want my children to see that and to make it a positive thing for them.
I am going to spend my spring break getting my house in order. I have always made school my top priority and If I got to the house then so be it. But most of the time I didn’t. You see I’m all about women’s rights and empowerment. I want to be a professional and accomplished woman. But I am begining to realize that I want to serve my husband and children too. It is not impossible to be a servant and to be empowered at the same time. I can still be a strong woman and serve my husband. Now, I am not saying that the housework is a women’s job. I actually don’t believe that at all. My husband and I are both students. We work equal amounts of time and are home equal amounts of time. It is a joint effort and should be. But there is nothing wrong with finding pride in a clean organized home and a hot meal on the table. Doing these things does not bring back the women’s movement 🙂 sometimes I am a bit ridiculous.
So I am getting things in my house situated. Pintrest has actually gave me some great ideas on a command center of sorts that my house desperately needs.
FINALS. They are over woooooohooooooo. I am happy with the grades I got and glad to put that term to bed. The next term is actually full of classes I chose for personal interest and I am very excited about that. I have been praying that God will show me how to better balance my demanding school schedule with my family life.
SNOW. I love the snow. Anyone who knows me knows that I love the snow. Especially in my adult life it has become sort of a good omen. I see it and it immediately lifts my spirits. I feel at peace and happy. I find it ironic that I have these revelations and make all these changes and then wake up to buckets of snow, in Oregon, in March.